Mission PVG log #5

The aim of this post is to express how and why I feel I have developed an "irrational" fear of video games. In this post, I will be truthful while exposed, as I attempt to be brave enough to share about myself in a way (this blog) that I am unaccustomed and to a potentially much larger audience. Nonetheless, I feel it is important for me to admit these feelings openly in order to further grow and overcome this particular fear. However, I may be more implicit on certain details than others but I am not one to "spill the beans" easily (if ever at times). This admission is a personal feat in and of itself.

At cadre camp, we discussed the importance of reflection and the role this type of activity would play on our journey through the program, as well as, a specific "method" to follow: What Happened? How did I respond? Why? I will do my best to adhere to this method. Before I will begin I must first say that I have not played Pikmin 3 since Thursday when I floundered in my attempt to defeat the first boss, the Armored Mawdad hidden deep within a cave on the Garden of Hope. (How ironic, since I feel all but hopeless at defeating him but more on that soon enough).

The person I am today is not someone I ever expected to be and I say this because there were times when I did not think I would get this far. My childhood and adolescent years were fraught with strife; most of which developed without justification and sadly became routine. During that time there were certain "lessons" that I learned: fear just about every male, silence is the safest and only option, speaking up is unaccepted, eye contact only makes it worse, absorbing criticism/insults/threats becomes second nature, & failure is expected by others... I think I've made my point.

Irrespective of my past, I am here today a much stronger but not unscathed woman. While my life has vastly improved as an adult and I now have control of who I am around but more importantly who I allow close to me. As much progress as I know I've made I still struggle with a subconscious dialogue that I cannot completely shake and one that I think influenced my recent meltdown.

It was Thursday, August 7, 2014 and I was prepared to explore the Garden of Hope more and happened to stumble across a cave with an enormous centipede with pincers and mind you, Alph is 0.64 inches tall. Within what felt like seconds everything fell apart, I couldn't remember any of the buttons, my heart rate changed, my breathing slowed, my muscles tightened, and I froze. I retried the day with the same result, not once but twice; each time the symptoms seemed to magnify exponentially (so it seemed). I can't obviously say what I was thinking but I know I feeling very disappointed and hopeless. Adrain was watching me play so perhaps I also have performance anxiety.

In Gee's book, he mentions three identities:
virtual- "one's identity as a virtual character in the virtual world"
real-world- my identity as me; "a non-virtual person playing a [computer] game"
projective- "to project one's values and desired onto the virtual character"

I have been unable to identify with the projective part of these identities but perhaps that is because the character is uncustomizable.  I also cannot say that I feel as if I associate with the virtual aspect of this tripartite model either but I do not have much gaming experience and seem to lacking in the "compelled to play" department. I realize that I am not competitive and I don't purposely try to disappoint anyone I care about but despite this admission I cannot muster the courage or interest to attempt to play any game other than Wii Fit and watching Adrian play Metroid: Other M.

While I could continue to write and prefer to be honest about my past because I have overcome everything and refuse to be a victim and stay silent.

Thank you for reading. I try to be an open book... "right place, right time".

P.S. I am still learning that it is okay to fail in video games. I'm tougher on myself than anyone has or ever can be (it's easier that way). Most people have levels of perfection, for me, there's everyone else's level of perfection which is "acceptable" and then my level which is what I expect of myself. For the first time even in my adult life I am surrounded by support and love (Adrian) but clearly I don't exactly know how to compute that in this domain...just yet. Crying is a mechanism I use to protect others and I turn to it in sadness, frustration, and anger (there are certain things in which I skip crying and am just pissed... watch out; it's not easy to anger me except for those certain things). I never want to yell and blame someone like I have experienced.